I just went on a little road trip, and between that one and the one I went on with my brother, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on food that is good for road trips and food that is not good for road trips.
Each road trip should be equipped with a number of sweet, salty, and chewy morsels.
Skittles
A legitimate sweet morsel to bring on a road trip is Skittles. I took the leftover Skittles I had from making the Skittle Vodka, packed them in a cheap zip lock bag that was hard to properly close because it wasn’t Zip-Lock brand, and packed them with the rest of the snacks for the trip. I’m not sure how much we consumed on our way to the destination, but I do remember eating them on the way back home at some point. The only issue with Skittles is that they make your fingers sticky, and this can be a problem if you can’t stand sticky hands. I am one of those people. I never let the potential of sticky fingers stop me from eating skittles (or being in an impotent rage over my sticky hands after eating said Skittles.) I did eat them for breakfast one of the days we were up in San Luis Obespo. The conversation went something like this:
Mary: Who wants an egg sandwich for breakfast?
Amy: No thanks; I think I’m going to eat some nachos in a few minutes.
Everyone: That’s gross.
Mary: Ok… who else wants an egg sandwich?
Amy: *notices skittles*
Stephanie: Me.
Amy: *attempts to avoid eating skittles for breakfast*
Mary: Stephanie, do you want your egg poached or fried?
Stephanie: Fried.
Amy: *grabs skittles, contemplates eating again*
Mary: Poached it is!
Stephanie: ...
Amy: *gives in to the skittles*
Amy: *notices Mary’s definition of poached actually means micro-waved in a weird Tupperware thing*
Pringles
Pringles are probably the most legitimate salty morsel you can get your hands on during a road trip. One of the only disadvantages is that you have to get someone else to hand them to you, otherwise you might find that your hand gets inconveniently stuck in the Pringles container while you’re trying to merge into traffic at 90 mph.
5 Alarm Jalapeno Cheetos
Cheetos are fucking gross, so there is really no reason to have this spicy morsels, so let’s change it to that one time that Kettle chips made those super spicy Thai chips:
Remember those? It’s like you take a bite of one and you’re just like “HOLY SHIT THE PAAAAAIN” and then you kind of get all flushed and freak out for a little while, and then it occurs to you that you only consumed the one chip. So, then you’re just chillin’ and you look over at the bag, you’ve mostly forgotten about the ACUTE pain that it caused so you’re just like, “let’s try this again, no way it can be that bad the second time!” and it is. And that cycle just repeats until the entire bag is gone. It took me about five weeks to finish the vending-machine sized bag a friend gave me one time because she remembered I “like Asian food.”
A Fruit Bowl
When my brother and I went on our road trip, we had to fend off my mom from full on giving us a fruit bowl filled with cut up fruit to take with us on the rest of our journey. I guess she meant it to sit on the lap of the person not driving? Hard to tell. I would say that these fruity morsels really have no place in the car during a road trip. Plus, it makes it much more fun when you just hit that point in the road trip, because you’ve been eating salt and sugar for an entire day, where you’re just like “OH MY GOD I NEED FRUIT IN MY LIFE!” Then, you nearly get in bear knuckle fight with waitress who is insisting the kitchen can’t put apples in your salad because they don’t understand how kitchens work and how chef’s always order NON MENU ITEMS RANDOMLY AND THAT SHE SHOULD JUST GO ASK. Or, when you get to that point when you're checking into a hotel and you've already eaten four of the complementary apples they have on the check in counter. Both of those would be "pulling an Amy" or (a) "Vintage Guidry."
Sushi
These are sticky rice morsels that are always good, except when you’re on a road trip. Could you imagine getting one of those sushi boats and fitting it somewhere between the ice chest and Baby Guidry? Maybe it could go on top of the center consol? Unless you’re going to eat it on the spot in the car, then I wouldn’t recommend bringing this stuff with you to “keep” in the car.
Sugar Packets
If you are Lynn Guidry (i.e. my father), then sugar packets are YOUR BEST FRIEND. Awesome during a road trip, or just driving in general after the sun goes down. I’m not exactly sure how I’m still alive, since my entire childhood consisted of my dad driving me around trying not to fall asleep at the wheel. I’ll give you all several examples of these sort of “I need to stay awake” combinations that my dad use to pull when we were coming back from a long day in New Orleans or anywhere for that matter. The only real criteria for him to start making weird combinations involving sugar and caffeine was that it had to be… dark outside. Here are some examples I remember from my childhood. Understand that all these claims usually ended with “… and that should be enough to keep me awake.” Here are some possible Lynn combinations:
Lynn: I just need a couple sugar packets, these three starbursts and a half root beer...
Lynn: I just need half of your twinkie, a sprite and a couple sugar packets...
Lynn: Amy, open up these three sugar packets, I’m going to take a quick nap… so wake up me when the light turns green?
Lynn: Yellow’s my favorite color, but it doesn’t mean I want all your banana runts, just hand me a few sugar packets...
Lynn: … this rice crispy treat, a sugar packet and a shot of espresso...
Lynn: … these three marshmallows, two sugar packets and a spoonful of nutella…
Lynn: … a swig of maple syrup, five sugar packets and half this diet coke…
Lynn: … the crunchy nature of these Fritos should keep me awake, but grab me a few sugar packets just in case…
Lynn: … half a lemon bar, and pour these three sugar packets in this jolt cola for me…
Lynn: … a box of good-n-plenty, three swigs of orange juice and this sugar packet…
Fondue
Something about having a boiling pot of broth or oil doesn’t seem like the smartest idea for a road trip, but I’m sure it was tried at some point in the 1970’s or in Sweden where Fondue was invented.
Beef Jerky
My homemade beef Jerky is probably the most legitimate savory morsels you can bring with you on a road trip. It’s a highly guarded recipe that I will most likely share if you A) say “Mmmm. This tastes good” or B) Get me drunk. Either way, snacking on homemade jerky during a road trip is a really good time. The downside? Jerky Jaw. This is sort of the “lock jaw” version of eating too much Jerky. You just kind of end up, you know, with a sore jaw.
M&M’s
These are like the chocolate version of skittles. In both color and size, but like I said two seconds ago, they’re chocolate. They are not only good on road trips, but also good for other things. When I was little, my grandfather taught me a valuable lesson, I was six, and he was probably 85 million or however old grandparents seem when you’re six. This is how this conversation went:
Grandpa (Evans): Amy, you should always leave M&M’s in your glove box.
Amy: Why Grandpa?
Grandpa (Evans): For when a cop pulls you over, and you have whiskey on your breath. The M&M’s mask the smell.
Amy: *nods and continues to eat Rainbow snowball*
I sort of regret to this day that I didn’t share that story at his funeral.
Alexa’s XXL Peppermint Patties
These are good if they don’t melt. First, I want you, my darling reader, to be able to mentally picture this peppermint patty. Close your eyes. Wait; keep them open so you can read this. (If you closed them, then it might take you a couple minutes to open them back up and realize you can’t read with your eyes closed… so now that you’re eyes are open keep reading) Do this: imagine a peppermint patty in your minds eye, keeping your eyes open. Ok, then picture what a peppermint patty might look like if it hulked the hell out randomly. Ok, so do you have that image in your brain? That’s what we’re dealing with. It’s good for a road trip, if you feel like ending up sticky. This is another one of those things that seem like a good idea, then you just have a really dry mouth and it’s all mucus from all the condensed milk and sugar and your mouth is too sugary to lick the sugar off your hands, so you just kind of have to deal. Now, this doesn’t mean that her Peppermint patties aren’t totally fuck!awesome, it just means that these sweet morsels, in particular, maybe don’t work for a road trip situation.
Soda Pop / Cola / Soft Drink
This is both good and bad, depending on what gear you have in the car and how much money you have to spend. In order to fully enjoy this liquid morsel, you need an ice chest or enough money to buy your favorite brand of soda at a convenient store, or as people in Louisiana so lovingly call them (ALL of them) “the quick store.” Essentially, you need this shit to be cold. The reason why I didn’t say “Coke” but I said the more generic version of this drink, is because it has been drawn to my attention that other “Cola” products exist, such a gross gross Pepsi.
