Stomach: Foods Revenge for Eating It

People have heard me use the term “stomach” before, I think the point in my life when it was used by more people than just myself, was when I lived in Baton Rouge and I was going to LSU. My small group of friends at the time, which included my brother, all knew Stomach. (I put the qualifier that my brother was a part of that group, because he seemed to use it the most) The Sunday football watching crew was Me, Him, Colleen (his girlfriend at the time), Paul (his best friend from high school) who was dating Grace (who was Colleen’s old friend, who I also became friends with.) All these people knew what Stomach meant.

This is the definition

Stomach: When an individual eats so much of one particular food or type of food that they feel extremely uncomfortable, and it feels as if it is the only item that is in their stomach. The only remedy is time passing and your body processing the contents of what is in your stomach.  It occurs anywhere from one to ten minutes after a meal, and usually last anywhere from ten minutes to fifty minutes, depending on the contents. (Fruit, for example, comes on quick but then goes away pretty quickly, but if rice or bread is involved it takes a few minutes to expand in your stomach and it takes forever to go away.) Side effects of stomach include: Constant bitching, putting your hand on your stomach, and going “uuuuugh” “blaaaah” and other verbalizations that express and imply discomfort.

(A picture of where "stomach" occurs... in the Stomach)

Now, the first mistake that people make when I introduce them to this term, is that they get full and they go “oh MAN, I have STOMACH” and I’m like “Hmmm…not likely.” It’s not that the person isn’t capable of getting Stomach, and then expressing to me that they have it, but people just get a little Stomach happy when they are just “kind of full.” It’s the way moody people get diagnosed with Bi Polar, and the people that are actually Bi Polar are diagnosed Manic Depressive and the people that actually have Manic Depression are probably un-diagnosed swinging from the rafters at Caesars Palace in Vegas. Mental illness is NO. JOKE.

(Good stuff. Until it turns on you because you ate three pounds in one sitting.)

The first time I gave the condition that is “Stomach” a label, was when I was 16 or 17 years old and I ate four pints of Strawberries in one sitting. I mean, the only item in my stomach was A LOT strawberries and I was just like “WHYYYY.” Another instance of Stomach was the Christmas after I graduated high school, I was at my friend’s house and he was cooking hamburgers. I ate two because I was starving. I sat for a minute and decided that I could eat a third, needless to say I had Hamburger stomach, it was touch and go for a while. The main key is over indulgence and it being one item. You’re more likely to get stomach from one food item or one dish than you are to get it from a 13-course meal at a high-end restaurant.

(I didn't get stomach from eating here. This was the illusive "13 course meal" I speak of.)

If you talk to Kevin about it, he will tell you that it’s possible to get Stomach from an entire restaurant establishment. Which, in his case, can happen. I would argue that he has more “Thai Fried Rice Stomach” than “Thai Kitchen Stomach” but Stomach is such a personal thing, that the individual is responsible for the their own labels. I am not one to stunt creativity.

Now, some Stomachs are worse than others. My top most memorable Stomach experiences were, in no particular order:

1) Homemade Beef Jerky and Starlight Peppermint Stomach 

This one happened when I lived in South Carolina. I couldn’t tell you what movie it was that I snuck this stuff into, but I remember being like “fuuuuuuck” when it was all said and done. I made homemade beef jerky, so I filled a small zip lock back with a large handful. Then I was like “oh, I might want candy too!” So, I filled up another little zip lock bag with a large handful of starlight peppermints. I snuck them into the movie theater, found my seat and then once the lights went down I broke out the Jerky. Now, I put my Beef Jerky in the same category as my Nachos, where…I like them just as much, if not more, than other people. Which is the only reason for their continued existence, if we're being totally honest.  I finished the bag of Jerky rather quickly and then immediately bust out the peppermints. Without realizing it, I finished the entire bag of mints. Then, Stomach set in, and it sucked. Bad. I basically just had dehydrated meat, peppermint and sugar all mixed together. I may have only had it for ten or twenty minutes, but it felt like forever.

2) Crab Omelet Stomach

This was in Baton Rouge, one Sunday we decided to go to a local place for brunch. I think I went with my brother and Colleen. I’m not the biggest fan of Eggs Benedict, so I ended up getting the Crab Omelet. Now, the issue with this place is that all of the brunch items, I’m pretty sure involved seafood. I have issues with certain items mixed with eggs. Other than the obvious, which is chicken, I also don’t like beef or potatoes cooked with eggs. I could eat a steak and an egg, or eggs and hash browns, but all of it cooked together in the same pan, or wrapped in a burrito is not something I can deal with. After this experience, we can say, “seafood is something Amy will never eat with eggs again.” I was always fine eating crabs and crawfish growing up, but then I moved to South Carolina for a year, so I didn’t eat it for over two years (because even when I moved back, I couldn’t get my hands on it until my parents had a crawfish boil) ever since then, I’ve been more sensitive to seafood. In the sense that I’m just like “OH MY GOD SO MUCH SALT AND IODINE I FEEL SO GROOOOOOSSS” So yeah, the eggs and the crab all mixed together in my stomach made me pretty miserable for a while.

3)Hollandaise Stomach  

I kind of feel like this one was the worst. This was during father’s day at some point toward my Junior or Senior year at LSU. My brother and I met my dad at a restaurant in New Orleans. The menu said “Eggs Benedict with Garlic Cream Sauce” I was like “oh, how cool— they don’t put Hollandaise on their eggs Benedict, maybe for once I’ll enjoy eggs Benedict. I’ll have it!” Let me back up by saying, the issue I have with restaurant Hollandaise  (a.k.a. Blender Hollandaise) is that I made it all the time at my own job at the time and it’s gross like mayo is gross. I mean thank you FRANCE for deciding that egg yolk and butter together should go on top of eggs. So, I get my dish and sure enough this “garlic sauce” is about four ounces of Hollandaise. Was it garlic Hollandaise, you are probably asking yourself? No clue. Now, I’m saying that it was four ounces of Hollandaise because they were probably using a two-ounce ladle, which is a pretty common way to get sauce on a plate in most restaurant kitchens. At the place I worked at though, we didn’t always fill the whole ladle when saucing a plate. At this place though, they seemed to give me two heaping ladles of Hollandaise, one for each egg. I should ALSO say that, I never grew up eating yolk. It was the 90’s and my mom was worried about cholesterol because my step grandfather was having issues at age 70 from eating runny eggs his entire life, so she was, I guess, engaging in preventative healthcare or something. I just mostly had egg whites as a kid or got eggs over hard and avoided the yolk. This resulted in me not really digging yolk that much in my adult life. I can eat it, because I’m not a total freak, but I don’t love it, and it squicks me out if I have too much of it or if it’s too runny. So, between the mix of Hollandaise and runny yolk, I was in WAY over my head. I honestly don’t remember how much I ate, but I remember the entire drive from New Orleans to Baton Rouge (about an hour) I just kept looking at Kevin and saying, “I am NEVER. EATING. EGGS. AGAIN.” I know that at one point I was just scrapping the Hollandaise off each bite, and it was still far too much. I have eaten eggs since, but I have not and WILL NOT touch Hollandaise ever again, in my entire life.